the_goren_show: (musing)
Spotted on another's LJ and since I'm not writing much else other than entries as of late (which is progress actually) I decided to take on this meme.

Leave a comment saying, "IT’S TASTING TIME!" and I will give you five words I associate with you. Then post about what they mean to you, along with this, at your journal.

[livejournal.com profile] ecosopher passed along these five words:  Breeze, car, cats, cold, inside.

Breeze:  Whenever I think of breezes, this piece of music by Leonard Cohen comes to mind.  But there are breezes I like better, a certain kind of breeze that makes living through a Canadian winter a stone's throw from the Rocky Mountains bearable.  I am of course talking about our chinooks.  In essence, a chinook happens when the winds blow from the west drying out as they cross the mountains and gain heat as they come down the east face of the Rockies.  A good blustery chinook wind can make the temperature go from -20 C to +10 C (or more) over night.  There is a cloud phenomena associated with this which we call a chinook arch and it is both unmistakable and unforgettable. 


A chinook arch over Calgary, Alberta, Canada.
The original file of this image can be found here with the accompanying permission to share the image.

Car:  I have owned many clunkers in my time, all American made from 1980-1988 model years.  The one I have now is a 1997 Nissan Maxima that was loaded to the gills, including heated leather seats which are just about the best invention since central air conditioning.  The Maxima, hereafter known as Max, was in such good shape when I bought it that no one believed it was a ten year old car.  The oddest comment I got when I told one of my friends I was considering buying a Nissan was "Isn't that a little Japanese for you?"  This tells you how bad my bias towards North American cars was before Max.  Max is a character in my life in the way many people are - he has his peccadilloes and keeps me on my toes (and away from the cigarette lighter).  Recently, I took a small thump to the bumper and I haven't been a very confident driver which worries and irks me as public transit in this city is enough to make a person homicidal.  Mr. Max has been my escape and I hope I get the feeling of safety back before summer so I can go on a few day long road trips to save my sanity.

Cats:  What can I say about cats?  I love the contrary little critters, I live with two of them who are convinced that they own the apartment and everything in it below the doorknobs, including the humans.  There is something infinitely comforting about opening the apartment door and having two little faces looking up at you - even if they are only there because they expect you to provide them treats.  The slender back Oriental is a little momma who likes to curl up behind my neck on the sofa and groom my hair into new and alarming shapes.  The chubby tortie never fails to put her stubby little paw in the absolute worst place when she jumps onto my lap for loving, leading to general hilarity from anyone else in the room.  I'm their person and I made a promise to look after them when they were rescued from the pound and I will keep that promise.  Anything else would be inhuman.

Cold:  I'm Canadian, so I have a love/hate relationship with cold weather.  It wouldn't be winter without the cold but does it have to last so long?  As noted above in 'breeze', in my neck of the woods it's the wind that will kill you with kindness.  I admit that as a Canadian it blows my mind when an inch of snow shuts some US city or state right down.  Cold and winter is just so much a part of life here that I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the notion that it isn't that way everywhere in the world.  A week or so ago, we got a foot of snow in about 12 hours here and life and the snowfall went on with little notice from the national media but when the same thing happened down east, everyone in the Canadian media went batshit insane over Snowmageddon.  The good thing about cold weather in winter is curling up with a book, a cuppa something, a cat if they are so inclined, a significant other if they are so inclined and just whiling away the hours.  If you can't beat it, you might as well just hibernate until its safe to pop your nose outside again.

Inside:  This is where I live my life, inside my head with my thoughts, which is not always a good thing.  I'm just as happy lying on the sofa with a cat licking the hair on the back of my head into new patterns as I am with going out to mingle with people.  Hell, I'm happier living life inside my head.  My head muses aren't going to find new and unexpected ways to shred what few tangles of innocence I'm desperately clinging to in order to maintain my sanity.  The person I am when I'm out in the world is, as most of us are, an avatar of this person I think I may be inside.  Too often for me, the avatar or mask I wear in my day to day interactions is built to disguise the type of person I am inside like a turtle wears its shell.  I trust few people enough to remove the masks.

S.O.S.

Aug. 10th, 2010 10:47 pm
the_goren_show: (sigh)
I don't even know where to begin with this one.  It's been bugging me for a while now but I've been trying to ignore the problem.  Sadly, the problem is me.  I have Admin/mod burnout.

I have helped run an X-Men forum for a few years now.  It's had its ups and down, its dramas, its great writers, its Mary Sue/Gary Stu's, its moments of shame and sorrow, and through it all a strong focus on story that made me damned proud to be a part of it.  Now, I sit here and watch it slowly waste away because of a case of benign neglect on my part.  I want to make it live, I do.  I just don't have the mental strength to carry on with the plotting I need to do as an Admin right now and I'm not sure I'll ever get the joy back.

The board was great and it doesn't deserve to die this lingering death and yet, I just can't seem to pull the plug on it.  There are too many great memories here and I fought for this place, clawed tooth and nail to make it work... and when it worked, damn it was amazing.  I still can't believe that I was part of something that fucking good.

The biggest part of this is because I have been lucky enough to have as Admins other writers who were able to plot with and push me to heights I probably didn't deserve to soar in.  The other part of it was probably hubris on our parts as Admins.  We were elitist and it worked for a while, but it's not working anymore.  That much I know from watching the activity on the board slowly die off like flowers touched by frost.

I keep trying to breathe new life into the embers but there aren't the writers there once were on the board to pull in other good writers.  Real life has taken some of them and some have wandered off to other fandoms and after a week or so, I lose my impetus and it goes fallow again and each time, a little more of the joy bleeds away.  I don't have the energy to go recruiting or wade through apps and I'm not sure with all the new fandoms that we'd be able to find anyone anyway.

I don't want to disappoint the few writers that are left, but honestly, I know I am just by letting it wither away.  If I can't save the board or reboot it somehow without losing so much of the good we had, I owe it to what it was once to pull the plug.  So, I know what I have to do, it's just that I can't imagine my world without it and that's what's making me the bad mod.

Mea culpa.
the_goren_show: (Default)
[Error: unknown template qotd]I think this one is a bit obvious, don't you?

The why however is a little less so... but still able to be summed up fairly succinctly in a quote from Eames in the Law & Order: CI episode "Silver Lining".

"He's like my partner, who just wants to be left alone to do what he's good at: catching bad guys."

I love my job and I am good at it.  I just want to be left alone to do it and thankfully the new company I work for is allowing me that freedom.  I've got a Captain Deakins looking over my shoulder for once and it's good.
the_goren_show: (Default)

I suppose explaining myself would be a good thing.  Not that I am certain I can explain myself about anything, but I can at least try to tell the tale of why I go by the pseudonym Goren.

Maybe it'll make sense.

The truth is in here... )



So, with that all in mind, I chose my pseudonym and my Journal name.  Over time, you might come to know the man behind the mask through the small reveals I will leave in my posts.  You might even think you'll come to understand me, but even here anonymously I will never take off the mask completely.  It's not that I don't want to be known... to be understood... but to let you see me completely unmasked would be to lose what little control I maintain over my balancing act.

And as a final thought, we all live on the razor's edge of life... I'm just aware of my place on it and how deep it cuts.

Are you?

the_goren_show: (Default)
Why do I keep trying to start a journal?

It isn't that I want to share my life with anyone.  Most of the people I know don't even know this page exists and I will likely keep it that way.  Some parts of your life you don't want to share.

So why journal in the first place online you might ask, and I have no real answer for you.

Maybe, just maybe, there's a certain comfort in the anonymity of the dark internet night; a certain relief in letting the thoughts that plague your mind free to float on the cyber wind like a message in a bottle.  Most people will glance at the bottle and keep on passing, some will pick it up, inspect it for value then toss it away.  But there will be a rare few who find the gem hidden in the ashes of another's anonymous confessions - those who see the beauty in not only the grains of sand on the bottle but the message within, however much of a lament the message is.

Somewhere out there, someone is seeking understanding that comes best anonymously.

I can't explain it better than that.

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December 2011

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