the_goren_show: (serious muse)
Like most people, I get asked everyday how I am and, again like most people, I have a tendency to give the answer of least resistance - usually something like "I'm great, how are you?" or if I'm feeling like trying to be funny "Still kicking, just not as high." - because being asked how you are isn't carte blanche to go into the deep dark crudded over bits of your life that are plaguing you.  "How are you?" is a polite conversation starter before the kick in the teeth in most cases in my work life and I do what is expected of me and give the polite answer 99 out of 100 times.  Nobody, as I read somewhere or other, likes a morbid bastard.

But this is not the polite answer.  Hell, you may think this isn't an answer at all, even if it is because I can't find the words to think about how I really feel or risk losing what control I have over myself and just going out to find the first person I can beat on until my arms are tired.  Yes, I made the video myself and learned I both despise and enjoy making videos.  It's a tribute to those days when just no one takes you seriously and with all the other little darts life sends your way you can forget that it really isn't all that bad.  I haven't had any of these days spiral to this point, though I will admit to it being something I struggle with every damned day.  So far I'm still standing but I'll tell you this... this person I am is not who I imagined myself being and I'm having a hell of a time reconciling the chasm between the two.

EDIT - 12/15/2011 - Sorry the video is offline, the copyright holder claimed the music back and since there isn't a song that fits the sentiments as well as the original one, I have decided not to reupload it.
the_goren_show: (thinking)

... I think I'm still trying to figure this crap out ... )

And for my friend, this short message. )

Also, there will be no NaNoWriMo this year. )

"You're too much like me Frank - you can't stand labels. Someone tries to put me in a box, I just naturally want out." ~ Abby St. James to Frank Leo from the TV series The Bridge


Sep. 10th, 2011 09:39 pm
the_goren_show: (no)
To laugh often and much;

To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;

To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.

This is to have succeeded.
the_goren_show: (musing)
Spotted on another's LJ and since I'm not writing much else other than entries as of late (which is progress actually) I decided to take on this meme.

Leave a comment saying, "IT’S TASTING TIME!" and I will give you five words I associate with you. Then post about what they mean to you, along with this, at your journal.

[ profile] ecosopher passed along these five words:  Breeze, car, cats, cold, inside.

Breeze:  Whenever I think of breezes, this piece of music by Leonard Cohen comes to mind.  But there are breezes I like better, a certain kind of breeze that makes living through a Canadian winter a stone's throw from the Rocky Mountains bearable.  I am of course talking about our chinooks.  In essence, a chinook happens when the winds blow from the west drying out as they cross the mountains and gain heat as they come down the east face of the Rockies.  A good blustery chinook wind can make the temperature go from -20 C to +10 C (or more) over night.  There is a cloud phenomena associated with this which we call a chinook arch and it is both unmistakable and unforgettable. 

A chinook arch over Calgary, Alberta, Canada.
The original file of this image can be found here with the accompanying permission to share the image.

Car:  I have owned many clunkers in my time, all American made from 1980-1988 model years.  The one I have now is a 1997 Nissan Maxima that was loaded to the gills, including heated leather seats which are just about the best invention since central air conditioning.  The Maxima, hereafter known as Max, was in such good shape when I bought it that no one believed it was a ten year old car.  The oddest comment I got when I told one of my friends I was considering buying a Nissan was "Isn't that a little Japanese for you?"  This tells you how bad my bias towards North American cars was before Max.  Max is a character in my life in the way many people are - he has his peccadilloes and keeps me on my toes (and away from the cigarette lighter).  Recently, I took a small thump to the bumper and I haven't been a very confident driver which worries and irks me as public transit in this city is enough to make a person homicidal.  Mr. Max has been my escape and I hope I get the feeling of safety back before summer so I can go on a few day long road trips to save my sanity.

Cats:  What can I say about cats?  I love the contrary little critters, I live with two of them who are convinced that they own the apartment and everything in it below the doorknobs, including the humans.  There is something infinitely comforting about opening the apartment door and having two little faces looking up at you - even if they are only there because they expect you to provide them treats.  The slender back Oriental is a little momma who likes to curl up behind my neck on the sofa and groom my hair into new and alarming shapes.  The chubby tortie never fails to put her stubby little paw in the absolute worst place when she jumps onto my lap for loving, leading to general hilarity from anyone else in the room.  I'm their person and I made a promise to look after them when they were rescued from the pound and I will keep that promise.  Anything else would be inhuman.

Cold:  I'm Canadian, so I have a love/hate relationship with cold weather.  It wouldn't be winter without the cold but does it have to last so long?  As noted above in 'breeze', in my neck of the woods it's the wind that will kill you with kindness.  I admit that as a Canadian it blows my mind when an inch of snow shuts some US city or state right down.  Cold and winter is just so much a part of life here that I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the notion that it isn't that way everywhere in the world.  A week or so ago, we got a foot of snow in about 12 hours here and life and the snowfall went on with little notice from the national media but when the same thing happened down east, everyone in the Canadian media went batshit insane over Snowmageddon.  The good thing about cold weather in winter is curling up with a book, a cuppa something, a cat if they are so inclined, a significant other if they are so inclined and just whiling away the hours.  If you can't beat it, you might as well just hibernate until its safe to pop your nose outside again.

Inside:  This is where I live my life, inside my head with my thoughts, which is not always a good thing.  I'm just as happy lying on the sofa with a cat licking the hair on the back of my head into new patterns as I am with going out to mingle with people.  Hell, I'm happier living life inside my head.  My head muses aren't going to find new and unexpected ways to shred what few tangles of innocence I'm desperately clinging to in order to maintain my sanity.  The person I am when I'm out in the world is, as most of us are, an avatar of this person I think I may be inside.  Too often for me, the avatar or mask I wear in my day to day interactions is built to disguise the type of person I am inside like a turtle wears its shell.  I trust few people enough to remove the masks.

the_goren_show: (musing)
Why the hell is it that the same winter road dirt that...

... turns white cars black ...

... and black cars white ...

... makes my dried blood colour car look as if it's been dipped in liquid shit?
the_goren_show: (Default)

I picked this up from [ profile] bitchgoddessdm's journal and I'm posting it here because it gives me hope for the world and that is in short supply.

This is the story of a very special little boy and the amazing family who loves him just as he is.

With all the hate and intolerance that's been floating around, I think we need more stories like this.  This is what family should be - safe, supportive, and full of love for all members.  That the community supports the family as well thrills me beyond description.

Maybe, just maybe, humanity will win out over knee-jerk rhetoric after all.

I'll keep believing it can anyway.

the_goren_show: (
I write, except when I don't.  To be more specific, I role play in text based games, both as part of a group and one on one.  The RP doesn't much bug me, it's my way of parsing my world and dealing with things and I've never questioned it.  It is just a part of me to let out the voices in a safe place.  (And yes, I am aware of how insane that makes me sound.  Just wait, naysayer, it gets better for you ahead.)  

Lately, I've lost a lot of my RP stomping grounds, both in terms of group places and single players.  One was by choice and I was the one who pulled the plug because it was undeniably time to let the board sleep with its dignity intact, however shabby.  The others have been incidental losses, where any number of my favorite long term RP writing partners have been called back to serve in Real Life.  That's not unheard of and while it can really hurt for a bit when someone does that, I try and be philosophical about it.  They've found something in RL that makes them happy, so I will be happy for them for that reason because RL > RP, always.

Turns out, I've been pretty lucky in my RP life.  Most of the people I've RPed with were mature enough to know when to pull the plug on the game and tell me about it honestly.  They didn't come in every few days to tell me how bad life was or how busy they were and if they weren't so tired, they'd love to RP.  They didn't plot with me about storylines they knew they would never be able to play out.  They didn't rave about the story we were writing in game or the characters and how much they loved and missed them.  They didn't then go and disappear for three weeks before rinsing and repeating the whole process.

This person did and like a fool I swallowed it hook line and sinker because I had already lost so much RP-wise.  The last conversation I had with this woman, she told me things were calming down and then plotted with me about what came next in our story and let me get really excited that this would actually happen.  In fact, the last thing she said to me verbatim from the messenger client about our RP.  "I swear to you, come hell or high water, we are picking up next week. We have to. It is killing me!"

Three weeks later... I almost hope she's dead because I continue to refuse to believe that she would put me through this hell.

I am mentally blocked for writing.  I can't seem to write anything, including this journal entry which has taken me days to try and put together coherently.  My confidence in my abillity to write, battered already by the death of the RP board, is on life support with one toe in the grave.  I'm torn between missing an amazing RP partner and wishing her ill.  She gutted the story and, to some extent, me as storyteller by breaking my heart for the game because she didn't have the decency to just out and tell me "Look, you're a good friend but my RL needs me more right now."

I could have accepted that.  It would have been bitter sweet but hey, I've been there before a time or two. 

After six weeks of this (three before the it's killing me and three after), I'm tired of sitting around waiting for her to come back, so I'm going to call this RP dead too and chalk it up in the books as called for lack of honesty.  I think I can save the character with a reboot back to where he was because, honestly, I feel right there with him - kicked to the curb like I was worthless.


Aug. 10th, 2010 10:47 pm
the_goren_show: (sigh)
I don't even know where to begin with this one.  It's been bugging me for a while now but I've been trying to ignore the problem.  Sadly, the problem is me.  I have Admin/mod burnout.

I have helped run an X-Men forum for a few years now.  It's had its ups and down, its dramas, its great writers, its Mary Sue/Gary Stu's, its moments of shame and sorrow, and through it all a strong focus on story that made me damned proud to be a part of it.  Now, I sit here and watch it slowly waste away because of a case of benign neglect on my part.  I want to make it live, I do.  I just don't have the mental strength to carry on with the plotting I need to do as an Admin right now and I'm not sure I'll ever get the joy back.

The board was great and it doesn't deserve to die this lingering death and yet, I just can't seem to pull the plug on it.  There are too many great memories here and I fought for this place, clawed tooth and nail to make it work... and when it worked, damn it was amazing.  I still can't believe that I was part of something that fucking good.

The biggest part of this is because I have been lucky enough to have as Admins other writers who were able to plot with and push me to heights I probably didn't deserve to soar in.  The other part of it was probably hubris on our parts as Admins.  We were elitist and it worked for a while, but it's not working anymore.  That much I know from watching the activity on the board slowly die off like flowers touched by frost.

I keep trying to breathe new life into the embers but there aren't the writers there once were on the board to pull in other good writers.  Real life has taken some of them and some have wandered off to other fandoms and after a week or so, I lose my impetus and it goes fallow again and each time, a little more of the joy bleeds away.  I don't have the energy to go recruiting or wade through apps and I'm not sure with all the new fandoms that we'd be able to find anyone anyway.

I don't want to disappoint the few writers that are left, but honestly, I know I am just by letting it wither away.  If I can't save the board or reboot it somehow without losing so much of the good we had, I owe it to what it was once to pull the plug.  So, I know what I have to do, it's just that I can't imagine my world without it and that's what's making me the bad mod.

Mea culpa.
the_goren_show: (Default)
Scene from CSI.

Grissom walks out further into the desert. Brass notices

Brass: "Where's he going?"

Catherine turns her attention from some evidence to Grissom

Catherine: "Let's just hope he stops...."

Let's just hope he stops.... )
the_goren_show: (listening)

It was a perfect late summer day for a drive, characterized by the hot hazy looking blue-grey Alberta sky.  It's not one of those clear you can see for miles skies, and I have no way to describe it better than that.  I did a lot of driving on Monday.  I drove 300 km round trip (187 miles) from home to Vulcan, Alberta and had a look around.  (More on that later... maybe.)

Anyway, I was doing all this driving at 110 kph (roughly 68 mph) across vast open stretches so wide that the only way I could tell I was actually making progress was the gentle roll of the prairie landscape.  I might go ten minutes without seeing another car on the road and though I would pass a house now and then, I rarely saw another person.   Alberta isn't quite as flat as some prairie places and when I topped one rise that I had been fifteen minutes climbing, let me tell you, the sight took my breath away as the whole world unfurled around me.

Even with the familiar confines of my car surrounding me, in that moment, I understood the word 'desolate' in whole new ways.  I was shaken to the soul by the isolation on the top of that small rise and left feeling more than a little insignificant. 

Two days later, the feeling lingers.

Crazy Love

Jul. 27th, 2008 10:34 am
the_goren_show: (smile)

It takes a special kind of crazy to put up with me.  I know this.  It also takes a sense of humour thats so far beyond off the wall it doesn't register on normal scales.  I read true crime, pore over books about serial killers and death, talk geek about comic books and cop shows.  Hell, I've immersed myself in a world so full of darkness it's a wonder I don't burn away when I step into the sunlight.  I'm a moody son of a bitch at the best of times in real life, best left alone to my own devices until I come crawling with whatever hurt is affecting me that day.  My friends know this pretty well, but my lady knows it best and is willing to share me with my odd pursuit of my humanity through darkness. 

Some one online recently asked me when I was last really happy, and I had no answer.  I thought of one much later but that didn't do me much good in answering the question.  I find happiness moment to moment and if you have to think about being happy then you ruin it.  This morning though, I was happy and I wanted to write it down, so that when I was ever asked again I could state the truth with confidence.

This morning when I got home, this amazing smart, witty, sarcastic woman was in bed asleep and I crawled in beside her with a heart full of holes from another night alone with nothing more to do than think and she made that happy little sleepy sound and rolled into my arms...

and that was bliss and Heaven and all I ever need.

the_goren_show: (musing)

Why does God allow evil to prevail in this world? It's an eternal question, which means that it's not likely going to be answered in our brief lifetimes. But in the end, I believe, the question itself is not as important as deciding what role each of us is going to play in the struggle. No human being is totally good - or totally evil. I remain convinced that, at least in some cases, we have the opportunity to alter the path of a child who has all the telltale signs of going bad. The hand is dealt, the cards are stacked, the forces are ready to come into play. Then, into that scenario, comes another human being.

In that sense, I do believe that one individual has the potential to alter the course of human events, through something as simple as a single act of kindness. Sometimes, it might be a matter of paying attention to just one neglected soul. How much damage might that one minor intervention prevent? How many horrible unspeakable things might that keep from ever happening?

We all face choices, every day. And we can choose either to respond or to turn away. The eighteen-century statesman and philosopher Edmund Burke put it simply: "All that is necessary for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing."

Excerpt from "Between Good and Evil: A Master Profiler's Hunt for Society's Most Violent Predators" - Roger L. Depue

As anyone who knows me is aware, I'm a crime buff and have read a lot of true stories of those who've stared into the abyss of the evil that men do to one another.  This passage marks the simplest and most eloquent summation of what those men have learned that I've ever read.

The power of one soul to make change in our great dirty world is immeasurable.

the_goren_show: (
If these words were as easily lived as spoken, there would be a great deal less pain in the world.  No one would need to wear masks to hide themselves from the world; nor would there be a need to fight your way to the top of the heap because everything you would do was authentic and you'd sleep at night as soundly and securely as sleep ever was.

But these words and the deeds they inspire in the twisted darkness of the human soul are vastly different things.  We live in a world where the temptation to get ahead can be so great that to cheat and to lie seem to be, sometimes, the only means to the 'good' end.  Prosperity.

Is this all there is after all?  Mask and manipulation and the truth sets you free to be insane?

So many questions without answers.
the_goren_show: (serious)
Some jobs are cakewalks.  You go in, do your thing and leave, get a paycheque and live your life.  No big deal.

Bring on the self-centered and the robots, because if I could, right now I'd go be a mail man or migrate to the east coast and go to sea as a fisherman.  It'd be better than this hell.


Jun. 29th, 2008 09:00 pm
the_goren_show: (musing)
Melting from the heat over here in Canada and still have the hottest two months of the year to go.  It's the sort of heat you just endure with no relief (unless you have A/C); the kind of heat that makes you vaguely sweaty, so you feel dirty less than ten minutes after a shower.  No beads of sweat roll but the damp clamminess is very uncomfortable.

Just listening to the iPod and this line always leaps out and strikes me.

"I'd break the back of love for you..."
the_goren_show: (smile)
I love George Carlin.  The man seems to see the world in a way that makes sense.  I present to you then these nuggets of wisdom from George.
My muse likes George Carlin too.
the_goren_show: (Default)
I'm unsettled today and I can't put a finger on why.  I look at the posts in this journal and wonder what happened to the man who was able to write.  I couldn't do that now if I wanted to and I do want to.

I just can't.

Just when I need it most, I can't.

And so it is...
the_goren_show: (Default)
"I'm not telling you that suicidal people aren't so far away from people who can get by; I'm telling you that people who get by aren't so far away from being suicidal.  Maybe I shouldn't find that as comforting as I do."
-JJ in Nick Hornby's A Long Way Down

Maybe that's why when the darkness rises up, some don't meet the call.  They see that as bad as gets, or seems to get, it's only a shift in perspective until you're on the other side of the fence.

Read the book, definitely worth it.
the_goren_show: (Default)
Night driving is calming, darkness and almost no one on the roads. No rush hour. No honking horns or cars cutting in front. It's almost meditative to weave around the streets with no destination. Wait... what's that.. flashing lights. Turn here go around, pick up necessaries from one errand and then turn for home. Flashing lights still adorn the road home, well damn it, keep driving since the last errand is just on the other side of them.


Mar. 2nd, 2008 03:58 am
the_goren_show: (Default)
I used to be an angry man, but that's fading and in a way I'm sorry to see it go.

Anger allowed me to get a lot of things done. It made me self-destructive as hell, but I got things done I wanted to get done. I had excess energy to spare. Now, well now I just sit and do a lot of watching. Maybe it's just a pause... a natural progression to the next level of rage. This may be so and while I wonder about it I don't actively hope it's the truth (not much anyway).

Am I content with this kinder, gentler me? Mostly.

Do I like him? Not really. He may be kinder and gentler, but he's also boring.

I'm guess I'm just not so sure I'm ready to fade gently into the good night and that's what this ultimately feels like.


the_goren_show: (Default)

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