the_goren_show: (serious muse)
Like most people, I get asked everyday how I am and, again like most people, I have a tendency to give the answer of least resistance - usually something like "I'm great, how are you?" or if I'm feeling like trying to be funny "Still kicking, just not as high." - because being asked how you are isn't carte blanche to go into the deep dark crudded over bits of your life that are plaguing you.  "How are you?" is a polite conversation starter before the kick in the teeth in most cases in my work life and I do what is expected of me and give the polite answer 99 out of 100 times.  Nobody, as I read somewhere or other, likes a morbid bastard.

But this is not the polite answer.  Hell, you may think this isn't an answer at all, even if it is because I can't find the words to think about how I really feel or risk losing what control I have over myself and just going out to find the first person I can beat on until my arms are tired.  Yes, I made the video myself and learned I both despise and enjoy making videos.  It's a tribute to those days when just no one takes you seriously and with all the other little darts life sends your way you can forget that it really isn't all that bad.  I haven't had any of these days spiral to this point, though I will admit to it being something I struggle with every damned day.  So far I'm still standing but I'll tell you this... this person I am is not who I imagined myself being and I'm having a hell of a time reconciling the chasm between the two.

EDIT - 12/15/2011 - Sorry the video is offline, the copyright holder claimed the music back and since there isn't a song that fits the sentiments as well as the original one, I have decided not to reupload it.
the_goren_show: (Default)

It's Wednesday (Link for title description.) and well, turns out I did something very wrong and something very right according to the world.

I think they were both somethings right but I've been wrong before.

The something wrong I did involved an event at work.  I simply forgot I wasn't supposed to do certain things for the residents due to liability issues and when a board member learned of it, reprimanded me in a friendly manner.  Okay, I get it, don't do that anymore.  I won't.  Or at least if I do, I will swear the person to secrecy and never mention it myself but it's more a case of I won't because I managed to ruin a $125 pair of wool pants in the helping.  I am not made of money and will avoid any situation where I have to ruin another pair of pants that are worth more than a days work brings in to the bank.

The something right involved the inimitable Mr. Max who I am sure is a Wednesday car.  Johnny Cash in the link has it about right I think and in the end, after spending time on Google to make sure I could do it - even though I've done it a hundred times in the past with other cars and this one too just on the opposite headlight - I was able to conquer my anxiety and change the damn headlight that went the other morning.  In a WalMart parking lot, in my suit I changed the headlamp because I realized if I was bold enough to go to WalMart in a three piece suit, I could damn well change the headlight.

I'm still battling the urge to just give in to the depression waiting in the wings to consume me.  It's a moment to moment thing and I'm constantly looking for distraction to keep from going under.  Last night it was YouTube videos, today it's been thinking about the CRTC (Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission) and the way the Canadian government keeps reversing or overriding decisions it makes. 

Cut for Canadian Content... *snerks* )

Read more... )

This isn't to say that I don't see where the big boys are coming from.  The nature of the internet is changing and not everyone is as text based as I am in my net wanderings.  (I'm also one of the few people who NEVER goes over his plan for cell phone minutes - unless you're bleeding, dying, or stranded drunk somewhere, email me - I don't even have a land line anymore!)  Netflix alone must give the big boys bandwidth nightmares.  Anyways, that's all pretty tl:dr so if you want to hear an intelligently thoughtful rant on it go here and scroll down to the bottom to listen to George Stroumboulopoulos outline it pretty succinctly.

Alright, enough rambling for Wednesday.  Time to prepare for Thursday.

the_goren_show: (sigh)
I have learned some information about my work that I could probably have lived without knowing.  I don't know what if anything I can do about knowing this now, except hope it doesn't come to pass.

If it does, I can't help but think the reaction from those I have come to enjoy working for will be like the lyrics from "One of Us".

And he is not one of us
He has never been one of us
He is not part of us
Not our kind

Someone once lied to us
Now we're not so blind
For we knew he would do what he's done
And we know that he'll never be one of us

He is not one of us



I may elaborate later.  I'm just unsettled feeling now today on top of still recovering from bad food on Saturday.
the_goren_show: (Default)

I work with very affluent people in a sort of post-modern servant's role - they like to claim I'm not a servant and I get paid peanuts for the priviledge of putting up with them and their complaints while playing the bad guy to those that break the rules.  The rules... so many rules.

More money than sense.... )

I'm a toothless dog really.  One day I'm going to lose it on someone like that airline employee did but I doubt very much I will have any support when I snap.  They still euthanize dogs no one wants you see.
the_goren_show: (Default)
There is no heat in the area where I sit at my desk. I am freezing my bottom off along with all those other bits I am really rather fond of. I still have my winter boots and hat on and putting my winter jacket back on is starting to look like a good idea.

By the way, it's -27 C outside and not going to be any warmer than about - 15 C.

I love my country but there are times I understand the snowbird phenomena.

I hate Mondays.
the_goren_show: (facepalm)
At 0930 today... the fire alarms went off.

Same BS as yesterday, different contractor.

I hate my life so very much.
the_goren_show: (listening)
You've all seen us, but you never see us. We are the people who sit at desks and watch monitors and endure being called rent-a-cops and other less flattering names. Yes, some of our number are no more than two feet and a heartbeat but any job can say that about their people. You just see us on our asses in a chair or wandering apparently aimlessly through doors on patrols. Sometimes we even piss you off when we deny you access to places you feel entitled to be or we question your presence in these areas. We are security professionals and you pay us peanuts to endure things you would never take on as your responsibility or don't care about and then sneer at us both behind our backs and to our faces, expecting us to take the shit you hand us with a smile and dig in... and god love us, because some of us do since we genuinely love our jobs and care about what we do.

This is the story of what a security professional goes through on a bad day.

I got an E ticket! )

My day went to hell in a handbasket but as one of the residents pointed out me, at least it all happened on one day and you don't have to worry for a while. I don't believe that because as a security guard, my day can go to hell at any given time because I'm always dealing with people who are angry at the world and I just happen to be a safe target. I can't arrest them, I just have to take their shit with a smile. I'm riding as a passenger in someone else's systems, watching over them and letting other people know when they go wrong and how to fix them, but since I'm JUST a security guard, no one ever listens to me.

I did realize as I was recounting this story to my friend that I had a pretty good day really. I kept my cool, didn't piss anyone off too much and here I am alive to tell the tale. It was just another fucked up day in paradise for me and yet, it was also another day above ground, so I guess it's all good.  Even though it was chaos while it was happening, I knew it was all manageable and I knew that because I know how to do my job.  I might not have liked dealing with the shit on my plate, but I did it and that's what I want people to know about security professionals.

Some of us do care and we deal with being pulled in all directions at once, so please, the next time you see a guy (or gal) sitting at a desk in a quasi-official uniform, don't just assume they're two feet and a heartbeat.

As for the day... well, Bette David said "You know what nostalgia is, don't you? It's basically a matter of recalling the fun without reliving the pain." I really hope today becomes nostalgic fast because it was one wild ride.
the_goren_show: (serious)

Okay, after surviving a board meeting with my boss in tow and giving a report I had zero time to really prepare for since boss wasn't able to tell me what I was walking into, I am informed I am getting a raise and will be attending more board meetings.  In short, I'm now the head of our site - unofficially since we work as a team.

This will not go well for me.  Any time I get into any sort of position of authority, my life goes to shit.  I don't know if I do it to myself or if the world just likes to laugh at me as I lie broken on the ground but it's true.

My melancholy over the whole damn thing knows no bounds.  I know it sounds fucked up, but this situation never ends well.


the_goren_show: (facepalm)
No, I'm not really as cool or as collected as Bruce Wayne's unflappable butler, but I'm soon going to be.  Between the way the people for whom I 'buttle' treat me and the way the curious outsiders treat me, I will soon be as collected and snarky as Sir Alfred.

I'm young and a three dressed up as a nine like my idol Paris Hilton. You have to do what I say! )

Then there is my boss, who tries just a little too hard. )
So there it is, two of the more annoying things that happen to me on any given workday.  There are a hell of a lot more, but I'm a good butler and never tell what I see... unless it verges on the idiotic like the realtor, then I have to share.
the_goren_show: (pensive)
There's really not much else to say at this point about my job woes.  I'm relieved that my employment with my version of Hell is over.  I'm worried about the piece of paper I signed that says I agree I won't work there for two years after the Hell company loses the contract.  To add insult to injury, I owe the government 600 bucks in taxes since I worked lots of OT last year.  Joy.

I won't find out until tomorrow or the day after if I get the job with the new company.  If I don't get the job, I start looking and on the 7th of April apply for unemployment if I can't find something.  So, it's pretty much cut and dried right now what happens and I should be able to handle the last 14 days of the job with some dignity and grace.

I'm going to bed to lick my wounds.  Later.
the_goren_show: (Default)
I arrived at work this morning to a letter on company stationery pinned to the board addressed to me.  Never good news so despite the curious night shift, I waited to open it until they were gone.

Effective the end of the month, I have no job in the Bully Boss's company.

I am relieved more than anything, though only time will tell.

I hope to put up the whole fucked up story later about how we got to this point.  I need time to let it sink in.
the_goren_show: (Default)
((Thanks to LJ having a blip when I tried to resize an image, I'm writing this for the second time today. Hopefully it will be better than the last one and less tasty to LJ.))

This musing owes it's beginning to a forum I stumbled over while looking for the proper quotes and episodes for the post on why I chose the pseudonym I did for LJ. Somewhere out there in the Net, is a forum thread devoted in its entirety to LOCI's Detective Goren and his tie clips. There are various theories as to why he wears a tie clip, some holding more water than others, some that 'wouldn't butter your parsnips', and more than a few fangirl-y type of posts. One of the more interesting theories was that the tie clip represented his need to have some control over his life, starting with his tie. That observation in particular started me thinking about why I dress the way do and why I buy the items I do to wear.

Onward to sartorial elegance! )

One of the posters had noticed that Goren was wearing his tie bar askew as of late and postulated that it was a hint of his tenuous mental state.  Even though I tend to agree with this statement, I have to wonder at the implications this has if I carry it over to my own love of dressing like a gentleman.  My question then is does my love of completing my suit with a proper tie clip to tame my tie equate to a symptom of my mental state? Or is it just my vanity stepping out?  Whichever it may be, the rest of the world can have their casual wear.

I'll be the guy in the suit.


the_goren_show: (Default)

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