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Jun. 23rd, 2008
Been feeling a little gutted as of late and it's turned me into a passive-aggressive mess. I'm too young for a midlife crisis. That's what I keep thinking, then I realize I'm not. In fact, there are a great many things about my life I don't like. Mostly that it's just not what I had hoped for, or even expected. I'm not sure if that's a bad thing or not. I'm just not so sure it's a good thing either. I would love to change some of the things about my life, but when I pick up one thing I realize they're all interlinked and the chain makes it seem insurmountable. What makes this mess so bitter is that it's mine, no one can take the blame but me.
I don't have the strength to deal with my mess right now though, though I've been drifting for a month knowing I need to make changes. I've sat at work and tried to subdue my urge to do what seems right to me around their rules and failed. (Already busted one rule wide open though in as far as I'm aware, no one who can fire me knows.) I miss being young and stupid, when I knew everything and was confident enough to forge ahead if I didn't and learn while I was screwing up. Some one told me earlier that it's only when you get older that you realize there's more answers than you can ever hold, and I find that terribly depressing for some reason.
As for my life, well I have a few regrets, though I still hold it's better to be dying and say I regret doing that than to be dying and say I regret NOT doing that. Everything I've done has made me who I am, contributed partly to this concept I have of 'me'. I'm just not all that sure anymore that I like this concept of 'me' and I can't put my finger on precisely why. I think what I hate most is I feel like such a hypocrite at times. I can't pin it down, it's just this horrible creeping feeling of something not right. I know there's no easy answer to life or what's going on in my head, I just wish I knew what the question was....
I don't have the strength to deal with my mess right now though, though I've been drifting for a month knowing I need to make changes. I've sat at work and tried to subdue my urge to do what seems right to me around their rules and failed. (Already busted one rule wide open though in as far as I'm aware, no one who can fire me knows.) I miss being young and stupid, when I knew everything and was confident enough to forge ahead if I didn't and learn while I was screwing up. Some one told me earlier that it's only when you get older that you realize there's more answers than you can ever hold, and I find that terribly depressing for some reason.
As for my life, well I have a few regrets, though I still hold it's better to be dying and say I regret doing that than to be dying and say I regret NOT doing that. Everything I've done has made me who I am, contributed partly to this concept I have of 'me'. I'm just not all that sure anymore that I like this concept of 'me' and I can't put my finger on precisely why. I think what I hate most is I feel like such a hypocrite at times. I can't pin it down, it's just this horrible creeping feeling of something not right. I know there's no easy answer to life or what's going on in my head, I just wish I knew what the question was....