By any other name...

[the_goren_show]

I suppose explaining myself would be a good thing.  Not that I am certain I can explain myself about anything, but I can at least try to tell the tale of why I go by the pseudonym Goren.

Maybe it'll make sense.

I'm a cautious man and I never use my real name online.  So, when it was time to name this journal after I decided to give journaling another shot, I sat and thought long and hard about it.  The inspiration hit me after putting in a DVD of the first season of Law & Order - Criminal Intent.  I didn't start out as a huge LOCI fan, that came from repeated exposure to the show over years.  I was, more or less, a captive audience to someone else's fandom.  Gradually though, I'd hear the theme and gravitate towards the television to watch because the character of Goren is fascinating.  He's brilliant... and brilliantly flawed - a true man of the new millenium.  "Bad guys do what good guys dream." he tells Eames in One.  The large part of what makes the show fascinating to me is watching him walk the razor's edge between being a good guy and a bad guy - or as we slowly learn, between sanity and insanity.  

Anyway, back to the name.

I was watching an episode titled The Faithful which Goren and Eames investigate the murder of a Catholic church sexton (and we will eventually get to my feelings on being a lapsed Catholic in this journal, just not today).  One of the only witnesses is a mentally disturbed man and during a session in the interrogation room, Goren is able to seamlessly (and somewhat flamboyantly) keep up with the man's wandering mind.  The scene cuts to Captain Deakins and Eames behind the mirror and Deakins says in a slightly sarcastic tone in response to the effortless manipulation Goren has just shown.

Deakins:  Great... the Goren show's back in town.

Eames later compliments Goren on how he handled the man and he replies he's had practice - the first foreshadowing we get that all is not well in the Goren background.  His fear of descending into madness and being like his mother echoes my own fear of slipping across the line from being a 'good guy' into a 'bad guy'.  I don't know why I have this fear but I've always wondered about it.  I read true crime novels seeking answers to what turned a little boy into a sadistic killer and all I've found out is there's no black and white.  The world is shades of grey and there is no normal... only various states of dysfunctionality.  Given the same background and similiar life circumstances, why one little boy is good and the other goes bad... is a mystery.  All I know is that I fear one day being given the nudge that finally pushes me over my own razor's edge into insanity and that was what linked me to the show.

The character of Goren is slowly revealed to us through the small bits of his background information he gives suspects to let them know he understands them; in short, to manipulate them into confessing.  He is a master of manipulations as anyone from such a severely dysfunctional family becomes over time - one mask for the world to hide the pain/fear/humiliation of 'being different', a mask to hide behind while you give out clues to your fears and hope someone understands - even if just for a heartbeat.  But, after a while, you forget you're wearing a mask and just become unapologetically an asshole to those you need to con into believing you're 'normal'.  Only those few you trust ever get to see you unmasked and then only for a moment.  It's a survival mechanism I understand all too well and wish I didn't.

So, with that all in mind, I chose my pseudonym and my Journal name.  Over time, you might come to know the man behind the mask through the small reveals I will leave in my posts.  You might even think you'll come to understand me, but even here anonymously I will never take off the mask completely.  It's not that I don't want to be known... to be understood... but to let you see me completely unmasked would be to lose what little control I maintain over my balancing act.

And as a final thought, we all live on the razor's edge of life... I'm just aware of my place on it and how deep it cuts.

Are you?