It's Like This...
Sep. 2nd, 2009 07:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the_goren_showScene from CSI.
Grissom walks out further into the desert. Brass notices
Brass: "Where's he going?"
Catherine turns her attention from some evidence to Grissom
Catherine: "Let's just hope he stops...."
I don't get to go out wandering on my own a lot. It's not that I'm a complete flake or anything, but that I suffer from anxiety attacks since I had a nervous breakdown eight years ago. I haven't had a really bad attack in a few years, when I did end up in a locked ward for a week for my own safety. Because of this history, I'm usually escorted around (though they try not to act as though they're doing it) by my lady - my own personal Eames - or my friend who we'll just call Logan to keep the theme alive. So, I end up traveling with a partner at the best of times because of my tendency to go a little flaky or get distracted by 'ohh, shiny!' It is literally a case of go with Goren to keep him from wandering off on a tangent and they have been doing this for years. If I'm ill or on vacation, I'm with one of them 24-7 as they arrange their sick days and vacation days around me. Needless to say, I haven't done much on my own in five years.
The trouble is, I'm sick of it.
Yes, if something strikes me deeply, (such as the sheer damned size of the world did on Monday) I tend to want to cocoon up and run for the safety of home to hide under my protective blanket of fear. Luckily, I have extended my safety zone to my vehicle and as such can venture out into the wide world without too much worry of an attack. So this year, I am taking my vacation alone without my personal Eames or Logan along to drag me out of trouble. I drove to Vulcan on Monday, roughly a three hundred kilometre drive round trip just to see the Star Trek museum and themed Visitor Information Center there. I'd never been to Vulcan, not once in 25 years, so it was time. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. On the way home from there however, starting at 2 pm, I got a phone call every half hour to see where I was, if I'd stopped and when I could be expected to come home.
Tuesday, I stayed home, annoyed with the checking in on me and got only the usual three phone calls.
Today, I woke up and decided to go to one of the places one of the residents at work recommended. It was about a three hundred and fifty kilometre round trip through some absolutely stunning countryside. I went on my own again and left the phone at home and honestly, never thought about it once. The car behaved, that anxious little bastard in the back of my mind behaved, the weather behaved - it was another glorious late summer Alberta day. I discovered I hate the sight of bug guts on the windshield (every where I stopped, I had to park, jump out, clean the windshield) and that I am capable of being on my own for short bursts of time, even in the middle of nowhere.
So yes, Eames and Logan, I did stop. I got a little distracted by some shiny, but I turned around and came home all on my own without prompting. Can we just lay off the partner-sitting a little so I can see how much I can take? Please?
Grissom walks out further into the desert. Brass notices
Brass: "Where's he going?"
Catherine turns her attention from some evidence to Grissom
Catherine: "Let's just hope he stops...."
I don't get to go out wandering on my own a lot. It's not that I'm a complete flake or anything, but that I suffer from anxiety attacks since I had a nervous breakdown eight years ago. I haven't had a really bad attack in a few years, when I did end up in a locked ward for a week for my own safety. Because of this history, I'm usually escorted around (though they try not to act as though they're doing it) by my lady - my own personal Eames - or my friend who we'll just call Logan to keep the theme alive. So, I end up traveling with a partner at the best of times because of my tendency to go a little flaky or get distracted by 'ohh, shiny!' It is literally a case of go with Goren to keep him from wandering off on a tangent and they have been doing this for years. If I'm ill or on vacation, I'm with one of them 24-7 as they arrange their sick days and vacation days around me. Needless to say, I haven't done much on my own in five years.
The trouble is, I'm sick of it.
Yes, if something strikes me deeply, (such as the sheer damned size of the world did on Monday) I tend to want to cocoon up and run for the safety of home to hide under my protective blanket of fear. Luckily, I have extended my safety zone to my vehicle and as such can venture out into the wide world without too much worry of an attack. So this year, I am taking my vacation alone without my personal Eames or Logan along to drag me out of trouble. I drove to Vulcan on Monday, roughly a three hundred kilometre drive round trip just to see the Star Trek museum and themed Visitor Information Center there. I'd never been to Vulcan, not once in 25 years, so it was time. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. On the way home from there however, starting at 2 pm, I got a phone call every half hour to see where I was, if I'd stopped and when I could be expected to come home.
Tuesday, I stayed home, annoyed with the checking in on me and got only the usual three phone calls.
Today, I woke up and decided to go to one of the places one of the residents at work recommended. It was about a three hundred and fifty kilometre round trip through some absolutely stunning countryside. I went on my own again and left the phone at home and honestly, never thought about it once. The car behaved, that anxious little bastard in the back of my mind behaved, the weather behaved - it was another glorious late summer Alberta day. I discovered I hate the sight of bug guts on the windshield (every where I stopped, I had to park, jump out, clean the windshield) and that I am capable of being on my own for short bursts of time, even in the middle of nowhere.
So yes, Eames and Logan, I did stop. I got a little distracted by some shiny, but I turned around and came home all on my own without prompting. Can we just lay off the partner-sitting a little so I can see how much I can take? Please?
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no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 03:19 am (UTC)I've actually thought once or twice about picking up and finding a spot on the other side of the country to just disappear to. Too many things keep keep me here but in a few short months I will be moving and who knows what will happen. Only an hour away from everything here but still just far enough..
no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 05:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-05 06:38 am (UTC)